djbigbawlz

*slams head against desk*

So I finally caved in and got "my first cell phone" over the weekend, after determining that the convenience factor was starting to outweigh how much they annoy me (isn't it kind of nice not being able to be reached sometimes?!).

And while I kind of felt like I ratted out Anne Frank to the Nazis, the next day I downloaded a Run D.M.C. ringtone and *pow*...I'm happily sucking the glass dick of wireless technology!

The next modern marvel on my list: a horseless carriage!

Fork Stories by me:

The Charlatans UK – http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/06-03/15.shtml#charlatans

Goblin Cock - http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/06-03/09.shtml#goblincockpinback

Ray Davies - http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/06-03/06.shtml#raydavies

Fire Engines – http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/06-03/02.shtml#fireengines

The Strokes - http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/06-03/01.shtml#strokes

Goddamn right I’m gonna put off some late night work and make a new update...

Yes sir, I’m awesome at exactly 3 things tonight—- wasting time, snuggling a wiener dog, and having a girlfriend who can give me shivers just by watching her sleep. Notice I didn't mention anyting about being creative, because all I've got the energy for is posting some recent Pitchfork activity:

The Orb - http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/06-02/23.shtml#orb

The Band - http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/06-02/20.shtml#theband

The Pretenders - http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/06-02/13.shtml#pretenders

Ariel Pink - http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/06-02/09.shtml#arielpink

Vitalic - http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/06-02/08.shtml#vitalic

And finally...

Tom Verlaine - http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/06-02/28.shtml#tomverlaine

...which officially marks my 200th news article for the site since July of 2004-- and kind of has me wondering: maybe I'm getting to a point where I've said all I have to say about music? Like maybe it's time I finally sent off that resume to Penthouse Letters or something.

*crossing my fingers that I get assigned to the "Carnalcopia" beat*

Unfortunately for LiveJournal, the adriagirlfriend is just too goddamn entertaining...so I've been ignoring the crap out of this thing for months. For continuity's sake, here's a quick recap of recent highlights:

* Thanksgiving - a flavor sensation, or something-- I forget. Also shot my first gun, at a tree branch.
* Fred Puppy's birthday - he made it to 3 years old without me strangling him, yay!
* Christmas - the first one of the relationship, and just amazing. Way to go 'dababyjesus!
* New Year's Eve - that 12am kiss was one of the best things ever made.
* New Year's Day - thank Christ for coffee...followed by more alcohol!

Some other notable activity went down besides the typical holiday stuff, but come on, I can't unload too much excitement at one time. Rest assured, however, that the past few months have also included The Strokes, foosball, vibrating eggs, a 70's punk rock star, the Clapper, a 3-day crime spree, hidden enchiladas, Happy Tequila, and the completely random acquisition of a lobster pot. Yeah, more to come...

In the meantime, here's a massive archival dump of Pitchfork stories since November:

The Streets – http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/06-01/31.shtml#streets

The Concretes - http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/06-01/30.shtml#concretes

The Buzzcocks - http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/06-01/24.shtml#buzzcocks

Electric Six - http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/06-01/17.shtml#electricsix

The Velvet Underground - http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/06-01/16.shtml#velvetunderground

Maximo Park - http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/06-01/09.shtml#maximopark

The Strokes - http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/06-01/04.shtml

Robert Pollard - http://pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-12/16.shtml#robertpollard

Feist - http://pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-12/14.shtml

BRMC - http://pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-12/09.shtml#blackrebelmotorcycleclub

Beck - http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-12/01.shtml#beck

Beastie Boys - http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-11/30.shtml#beastieboys

Can - http://pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-11/28.shtml#can

John Lennon - http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-11/17.shtml#johnlennon

Shortlist Prize - http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-11/16.shtml#shortlist

The Sounds - http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-11/16.shtml#sounds

David Bowie - http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-11/14.shtml#davidbowie

Swearing at Motorists - http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-11/09.shtml#swearingatmotorists

Dr. Dog - http://pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-11/03.shtml#drdog

Nice fat backlog of Pitchfork stories to add to the blog gallery today, since I’ve been a lazy LJ bitch as of late. It’s been a pretty slow Fall for big news though, so unfortunately there’s no gripping music scandal equivalent to Tom and Katie’s genetically engineered scientology baby. Maybe next month Morrissey will drop his celibacy pretensions and go knock up Ashlee Simpson or something. My typing fingers are firmly crossed...

Ryan Adams - http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-10/28.shtml#ryanadams

Doves - http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-10/26.shtml#doves

Patti Smith - http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-10/26.shtml#pattismith

New England Roses - http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-10/26.shtml#newenglandroses

Devendra Banhart - http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-10/24.shtml

New York Dolls - http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-10/24.shtml#newyorkdolls

Johnny Cash - http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-10/18.shtml#johnnycash

Flaming Lips - http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-10/14.shtml

A Certain Ratio - http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-10/07.shtml#acertainratio


p.s. Today's math lesson: Red Bull + Sex = holyfuckingshit

Kinda busy at work these past couple weeks (like I'm actually -working- for the first time this year), with a huge redesign of the website launching soon-- but here's another anemic archival post to at least get some LJ words up. Three new Fork stories, which now brings my grand total to a whopping 167! Unfortunately: music writers don't tend to attract a lot of groupies. Fortunately: I somehow met my dream girl regardless, and I've never felt a more a perfect connection with anyone. Ever.

WORDS:

Super Furries - http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-09/28.shtml#superfurryanimals

Bonnie "Prince" Billy - http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-09/27.shtml#bonnieprincebilly

Dandy Warhols - http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-09/27.shtml#dandywarhols

Yay for:

Friday night drinkin' with the hottest girl ever made.

Boo for:

Shitty Pitchfork stories - http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-09/21.shtml#britishseapower

So I'm trying to be more timely with this updating thing, but fuck it all...I have no news to report. I either need to start making shit up, or just jump head first into Orlando's seedy underbelly in order to score some more riveting LJ fodder. You know, I hear Disney has a wicked prostitution ring-- where the chicks and/or dudes come to your house dressed as your favorite childhood character(s). If I pass the audition, I'm totally laying claim to the Captain Hook getup...

Anyway, so back to the post at hand. I should really attempt to write something more insightful about myself, rather than just pasting up music links all happyass. And because list writing is an instant space filler, here you go (and yes, I know it's lame excuse for a post-- but at least it's a start):

Top 10 Favorite Albums

01 The Beach Boys - Pet Sounds
02 Elvis Costello - This Year's Model
03 David Bowie - The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars
04 The Modern Lovers - The Modern Lovers
05 The Replacements - Let It Be
06 Wilco - Yankee Hotel Foxtrot
07 The Clash - London Calling
08 The Velvet Underground & Nico - The Velvet Underground & Nico
09 Oasis - Be Here Now
10 The Strokes – Is This It?

Runners-up:

Beck – Odelay
Green Day – Dookie
Rolling Stones – Exile on Main Street
Smashing Pumpkins – Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness
Trainspotting Soundtrack

Like a shiny new toy that gets replaced by an even shinier one (Adria-- the best toy ever), I've been completely ditching out on the LiveJournal lately. Thankfully work is boring as all fuck today, which means...another riveting set of links to some of my recent Pitchfork activity. Yay for words! Yeah, so hopefully this will ease me back into more gossip-worthy posts-- like sexxxy stories about my weiner dog or something. Happy clicking:

Goal soundtrack - http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-09/19.shtml#soundtrack

Supergrass - http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-09/16.shtml#supergrass

Jay-Z - http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-09/15.shtml#jayz

Leonard Cohen - http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-09/08.shtml#leonardcohen

Brian Jonestown Massacre - http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-09/08.shtml#brianjonestownmassacre

R.L. Burnside - http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-09/02.shtml#rlburnside

Buzzcocks - http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-09/02.shtml#buzzcocks

Magnolia Electric Co. - http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-09/01.shtml#magnoliaelectricco

Kind of spent last week clouded in a haze of love and sex, so no Pfork posts for awhile (my hands were too wondefully occupied for that nonsense). For the sake of consistency, though, here's a quick recap of recent typing activity:

Broken Social Scene: http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-08/25.shtml#brokensocialscene

John Lydon: http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-08/24.shtml#johnlydon

Paul Weller: http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-08/23.shtml#weller

Oh, and real quick-- the latest Strokes album finally has a release date! January 3rd will see their new disc hit shelves, and I can't fucking wait...

p.s. happy birthday Adria!!!

p.p.s. new girlfriend smell beats new car smell any day.

Today’s Pitchfork story will require some homework, because seriously, who gives a fuck about the Happy Mondays anymore (even I don't, and I wrote the damn thing)? So, if you decide to jump into this one, please turn to page 4-- if not, turn to page 86. All Choose Your Own Adventure style.

*flip flip*
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PAGE 4

Okay, so to help put the band in perspective you’re going to have to go out and rent the ass-kicking 24 Hour Party People, which chronicles not only the rise of the Mondays, but also two of my favorite bands of the post-punk era-- Joy Division and New Order. And even if you don't give a shit about music, it's still funny as hell, and one of the coolest movies I've ever seen. Blockbuster. Go. Now.

*2 hours later*

So was that some kind of great fucking movie or what?! Sex/drugs/punk rock, what more can you ask for in a Wednesday night video rental?! Um, alright Adria, maybe some hott Jenna action WOULD improve the overall artistic quality of the film, as well as offer an interesting juxtaposition to the Roman Empire-like demise of Factory Records. But they gotta leave something for the sequel, right?!

Now for the second half of this interactive multimedia post, click here:

http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-08/10.shtml#happymondays
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip*
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PAGE 86

Way to go, quitter.

THE END
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When it comes to music, I'm nothing if not loyal...

But despite my best efforts, I still haven't been able to warm up to any new Ryan Adams albums since his (fucking brilliant) debut, Heartbreaker. For whatever the hell reason the guy still intrigues me though, and I keep checking out his releases in the hope that he'll drop the lame 70's singer/songwriter act, and just rock the fuck out again.

And even though his last album, Cold Roses, was a definite return to ragged alt-country form, maybe what it comes down to is that I like the idea of him as an artist a lot more than I actually like his music. Which I think can be said about a lot of things in life...

FILE UNDER: Adams, Ryan - http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-08/05.shtml#ryanadams

All kinds of awesomeness in writing land today, with 3 solid Pitchfork entries. Granted, there's only that many because I completely missed my Tuesday deadline, but still, this half-six pack of stories covers some shit I'm genuinely excited about-- which always turns me on. In the words of George Michael..."I want your sex." Like, my own.

Next stop the White House!

Green Day: http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-08/03.shtml#greenday

Across the Pond Festival: http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-08/03.shtml#across

Maximo Park: http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-08/03.shtml#maximo

Fuck shit fuck, I’m tired. I had to get out of bed at 7:30am for some retarded work thing, and of course, I did what I always do and stayed up half the night goofing off. Kind of hard to complain though, when the thing keeping you awake ‘til 4am just happens to be the cutest girl on earth. And no, it wasn’t the mom from Home Improvement.

So…I have now spent over half of my workday chugging coffee and blasting the entire Husker Du catalog at maximum office-acceptable volume. Yeah, nothing says “wake the fuck up you stupid bitch,” like Zen Arcade. Anyway, it’s been a long, fuzzy, caffeinated, 3-chord guitar assault kind of a day…and all I’ve wanted to do is curl up in a ball on the floor with a blaring speaker as a pillow, and start snoring.

Counting down the minutes until I can pass out on my couch...

On a slightly perkier note (yes, I just used the word “perkier,” shut the fuck up), I have a couple new stories posted today-- with one of them, coincidentally, highlighting the upcoming solo tour from former Husker Du guitarist Bob Mould. And while his solo work doesn't do much for me, the man's still a legend, and sits proudly on my short list of about 10 artists I have yet to see live (along with Bowie/Lou Reed/Iggy Pop, etc.), but would absolutely kill to. Just missing the cut for that ultra exclusive list? Roxette, Salt-n-Pepa, and J.J. Fad.

Fight the power:

http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-07/29.shtml#mould

http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-07/29.shtml#public

Oh, and while I'm writing... I’ve also seriously been thinking about getting that sex changZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…*snore*

No really, once upon a time Liz Phair was indie rock's ultimate prom queen. Her first album, Exile in Guyville, still stands as one of the defining discs of the early 90's alternative scene, and the blueprint for countless important V-rock artists who followed...Ani, Alanis, Good Charlotte, etc. (and yes, that capital V stands for vagina-- and don't get me started on Good Charlotte).

Consciously structured as a song-for-song response to The Rolling Stones '72 album Exile on Main St.-- which is probably the best pure cock-rock album of all time-- it's strong and vulnerable and sexy and one of the most brilliant distillations of love and lust and relationships (and the confidence/ insecurity therein) from a female P.O.V ever put to tape. And fuck, the songs are just creative, flawlessly structured, catchy as hell...and rock like a lo-fi homemade drop-kick.

Anyway, so after cutting one of the best albums of the 90's, she releases 2 more solid (but less revelatory) records...before getting tired of her lack of mainstream success, and completely selling the fuck out! SO. Turning to "The Matrix," the jackass producers responsible for Avril Lavigne's astonishing career, she dropped all attempts at relevant insight/originality, and has since been cranking out slick, glossy, near-Shania Twain worthy Top 40 sap since 2000-whatever. Offering her original fans a connection as rote and by the numbers as the romantic relationships she used to critique so succinctly.

Needless to say, we of the "liking good music" persuasion took this shift in tone kind of personally, and have spent the ensuing years relentlessly making fun of her in retalliation, as I do in today's Pitchfork article. Definitely tamer than my last update, which suggested she get Velveeta to sponsor her next tour, but a couple decent jabs.

Enjoy!

http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-07/27.shtml#phair

...and for further reading, check out this review of her last LP:

http://pitchforkmedia.com/record-reviews/p/phair_liz/liz-phair.shtml

Had two stories posted up today-- one that rocks, and one that doesn't. Guess which band I actually give a fuck about!

Good news: http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-07/26.shtml#strokes

Bad news: http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-07/26.shtml#prefuse

I think the Strokes article is my longest news entry ever too, like almost 1000 words. Carpal tunnel is awesome! If only I was this motivated in school...

Waking up before noon is gay and stupid and gay, all at the same time. Therefore, in my groggy a.m. haze, I have no witty introduction to today's story...other than:

PrEsTo!!

http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-07/22.shtml#built

(5 entries in and I've already run out of things to say-- must rethink the Everlasting Gobstopper comparison.)

Dammit, I'm still pissed about The Libertines breaking up. After The Strokes debut, their first album (Up the Bracket) was the best garage rock disc in years. They took everything that was great about 70's Brit-punk, crammed it with sloppy fun hooks, and made an effortlessly brilliant album that actually eclipsed most original punk releases.

But...after two albums (both produced by Mick Jones of The Clash), the bastards disbanded last year in a haze of crack smoke, jail time, and supermodel girlfriends (fucking Kate Moss of all people-- I mean, I could maybe understand Adriana Lima).

Dummies.

Anyway, one of their singers is attempting a solo career, and I wrote this about it:

http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-07/21.shtml#barat

Today's Pitchfork story is dedicated to the memory of Star Trek's James "Scotty" Doohan, who ventured to the final frontier this morning. Okay, so I'm not the biggest fan of the series or anything, but dammit, Star Trek II is one of the most ass-kicking sci-fi movies ever-- and Scotty plays a mean bagpipe at the end.

Also, one time I was at a Disney park with my family and he just happened to be there putting his Scotty hands in cement at their wannabe walk of fame thing. I was like 13 or something, and had never seen "an actual movie star" in person before. I thought it was AWESOME for about 10 minutes, then I went and rode the Star Wars ride-- traitor.

Anyway, thanks for always saving Kirk's ass with the hyperdrive...

http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-07/20.shtml#magic

So I write music news for this website---> http://www.Pitchforkmedia.com <----which, if you own at least one Yo La Tengo shirt, or routinely fall asleep in your gray hoodie clutching a tattered Bright Eyes LP, have already formed some kind of love/hate relationship with.

If not, the basic scoop is that it's sort of risen up from the depths of web obscurity over the past few years-- via it's now trademark sarcasm and finely-tuned radar for cool new bands-- and magically become the biggest independent music site around. Like over half a million hits a month and growing. Yay for success!

I manged to jump on board their news team a little over a year ago, and have since lost hours upon hours of sleep feeding the addiction of gossip-hungry indie rock hipsters who obsess over the status of The Strokes next album, and the cultural importance of Conor Oberst's touring schedule.

And yeah, they're like complete music Nazis and stuff, but dammit, I love both music AND Nazis…so it works out kind of nice. And admittedly, I’m sort of one of “them” too...with my borderline obsessive CD collecting, vinyl fetish (of the 33 1/3 rpm kind), and endless quest for the next band that will change my life.

Anyway, so here’s today’s masterpiece...which I actually think sucks a cock, but whatever. You can’t exactly spin a story about a band as lame as The Delays into gold. Rumplestiltskin I’m not…but at least I’m fucking in print:

http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/news/05-07/19.shtml#delays

Blogging. How fucking gay is that word?! So fucking gay that it made me not cave in and start one of these things until -rightnow-.

And WOW, now that I'm actually doing it...I can't imagine why I didn't jump on this shit earlier! Yeah, kind of reminds me of the time I waited for the Martin Short/Kurt Russell classic "Captain Ron" to come out on video instead of seeing it in the theater. Always late to the party I guess.

This is going to be more awesome than an Everlasting Gobstopper...